When I was a child, I used to have a dream that adults around me couldn't even begin to imagine. "I want to be an astronomer," I said whenever people asked me.
They usually reply with, "Oh, do you want to go to the Moon?"
I said, "No. I will be the one who sends people to the Moon." Little did I know that astronomers don't ask astronauts around like that. In my imagination, astronomers are the ones to ask the astronauts to pick up samples or deliver instruments to outer space; meanwhile, they themselves analyze everything from the comfort of Earth.
We lived in a village with limited access to education. Most adults at that time didn't go to university. Let alone dreaming about being an astronomer or a researcher. But, I really appreciate that none of them shows doubt in front of me. That's a privilege.
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| In the Middle of a Crossroad (AI image generated by Firefly) |
I was fully aware of my interest in science since I was little. I was the one who roamed around the library in the elementary school, finishing all the books available there. I visited a neighbor's house, not to play with their children, but to read their collection of encyclopedias. When the night sky was clear, I would ask my father to spread a straw mat in front of the house, watch the sky with me, while talking about the stars, the planets, the satellites, the ISS, and sometimes planes that fly across far above our heads. I was always good at school, because if I wanted to be an astronomer, I had to excel in academics.
My academic journey was pretty much smooth. I was admitted to one of the best middle schools in the region, got a scholarship to one of the best high schools in the country, and got a scholarship to study abroad in one of the best universities in Turkiye. And even though I couldn't join the astronomy olympiad team, I joined the physics olympiad in middle school and high school. I also took astrophysics as a concentration in university. I also added a couple of plasma physics courses, desiring to pursue research in astrophysical plasma physics.
I thought I was unstoppable.
Then, the rocket of optimism crashed in front of me.
I still don't know whether it was a bad decision. Of course, if not for that decision, I wouldn't have met my husband, the love of my life, whom I am really grateful for. But part of my heart still couldn't let go.
You might have already read my writing, Heaven is Enough. It was written in 2019. Six years have already passed. I have resigned from school, despite all the eyes that watch me. They are still not satisfied. And I still don't know whether it was a good decision. Thinking about it still gives butterflies in my stomach.
At least I have now removed one problem (and added another problem to think about 😅), this thought helps me a little. It's a small step to move on with life.
Do I still want to be a researcher? I can't deny, yes. Is this path still available for me? I doubt. I am now in my 30s. There are a lot of younger graduates out there with more portfolios than I had. I doubt that my CV is still appealing to recruiters. Even if I decided to enter a doctoral program, I no longer know from whom I can ask recommendation letter. It's been ten years since I graduated from a master's program. Do my professors still remember me?
My husband said," You can always join a doctoral program later in the future. You don't have to rely on an age-limited scholarship if you can pay for it with your own money." Now, I think what he said was just a solace.
Now, my family needs me more than before. Doing remote work used to be a dream to be able to travel more, get more education, build a greater business, visit more relatives and friends, and do more charity work. Now, doing remote work means being able to stay close to our elderly, while keeping ourselves alive.
Do I still keep my dreams? I can't deny that I can't forget them.
Do I still fight to make it come true? Surely not now. And I doubt I can do it later. Maybe if God shows me the way. I just prayed for whatever good God gives me.
Did I think I made bad decisions? It doesn't matter now. There is no use in regretting the past. I will just move on with this life, thinking forward.
Even if I don't get all I wish for in the world until I die, heaven is enough.
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